With each day since his passing, my concern for the dogs grew, especially when I was told that they were running out of food and couldn’t stay in the house with the remaining roommate(s).

MAN! DO I KNOW INCREDIBLE PEOPLE! 162+ shares on that one post, and more responses than I was expecting for sure. I was rather overwhelmed with the responses, and decided to “sleep on it”, which is something my stepfather always advised me to do before making big or meaningful decisions. On Sunday morning, I woke up to messages from a woman I’d already heard from, but now she was trying to reach me on other platforms. I already liked her but hadn’t responded to anyone yet. I decided to jump on a call with her to tell her what little I knew about the dogs and to ask questions about her.

The universe is so crazy small and beautiful sometimes…

Within a few minutes of being on the phone, we realized that she lived in the same building as me, but 40 years ago – one floor apart! THEN we realized that she had also been my diaper-fit(ness) instructor nearly 18 years ago.

She asked me if the dogs were house trained and then assured me that it wasn’t a deal-breaker for her, as she has the time and experience to train them. My honest answer was that I didn’t know, and that we should perhaps prepare for and assume the worst, as the dogs had been without their dad for a few weeks, in a home that was no longer theirs to stay in.

Can I tell you all that the dogs were in much better condition and spirits than I/we expected and even though one of them has a reputation for being grouchy when picked up, they were both very happy to get scooped up and held, once the initial excitement of our arrival had worn off.

They were very happy to ride home in the arms of our angels passenger, accompanied by a big soft red blanket that their dad had recently given them.

She sent a photo last night, of them last night (their first night with her) that warmed my heart.

Warm and cozy, on her lap, together. She had been waiting for and wanting for a senior bonded pair. They are clearly in comfort and love together, all three. She’s taking the dogs to get a head-toe (and especially teeth) check-up once they have settled in and acclimated to their new home and life.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on and shared the post – to bring THAT woman back into my life, to save the day for these dogs, feels like a very beautiful and full-circle life moment. Am I wrong?

(more on this later - I’m giving myself a headache).

My father’s ALS has progressed enough that he felt it was time to choose a date for MAID. The reality is, he doesn’t want to go. None of us want him to go. The date has changed more than three times and each time does my head in. He is being cared for by the love of his life, who happened to be a nurse for most of her professional days… She is why he is still here, and why he still wants to be here. I’m not going to share the date because of the possibility of it changing again, but the second week of April I might need some extra vibes.

In other news, I got laid off from my full-time remote purchasing job in February. It was that well-known celebrity-endorsed renovations company. I was driving back from town (Owen Sound) feeling pretty pleased with myself for transferring and filling one week of my prescriptions since I had decided to stay with my dad an additional week. Self-care. It’s not always easy to make yourself a priority, especially when big life things are happening. I had gone for one night and stayed for two weeks. He really declined over a period of six days and scared the daylights out of all of us. When I got back to my computer, I had a zoom meeting with my manager (who’s camera was off because she was for sure crying) and HR, who had very clearly been crying prior to our call - she said 80% of the company is being temporarily laid off, and a week later, everything & everyone was gone/over.

I felt heartbroken to tell my dad that I’d lost my job. He’s been watching all the news and especially focused on the US stuff, which I can’t even be in the same room with (it depresses me). I didn’t want him to think that problems were this close to home already, but I had to tell him, because when I cry, there is NO hiding it. No mistaking it for allergies. He knows me better than most men for sure, and he could tell in my eyes that I had something hard to tell him. I don’t know why I felt ashamed. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was assured that I had been a great employee. I felt terrible either way. I sat next to my dad for about 20 minutes, teary eyed and weepy about the various stresses I was trying to navigate while remaining positive, and then it washed over me. I said, “Daddy, I need to go lie down and let my mind drift so I can find the ‘silver lining’ in this”, which he immediately understood and began nodding his head - one of the few things he can still do.

(more on this later too - I’m drained)

Two weeks ago my soul died, when I hit rock bottom and gave audience to all the worst-case scenarios. I came home from helping with my dad and fell really sick and in bed with fever and congestion and I just wasn’t strong enough yet for what more life had to throw at me, so I broke. I cracked. I gave up. I gave in. I have never felt so low in my life, and I thought I knew “lowest low” from the teachings of late 2023 and most of 2024.

Don’t get me wrong - there have been many, MANY beautiful moments over the last few years, but nearly everything has come with a price and been a challenge. Everything. That’s the beauty of polarity. We learn, we grow. We hurt, we heal. My highest highs are still ahead of me, and I’m here for it, with open arms.

We should/could have settled in mediation. I didn’t even know what I was entitled to when we started. I didn’t ask for a separation because I wanted “his” money. He was a manipulative bully, and he stopped speaking to me, which made co-parenting and moving forward with mediation impossible (this was also the time when I thought something might happen to me, if you know what I mean?).

Now we have lawyers and we are in court. A man who chooses money over love and money over truth is no man for me, and I am heartbroken to think that I was wrong about him all along? This is the grief I am sitting with most recently. Coming to terms with certain obvious truths. Coming to conclusions on the things I’ve been avoiding decisions or action on.

My phone is in DND most of the time right now, I’m sorry. My anxiety has been through the roof and the sky has been falling. I am loved. I am supported. I have people. Please don’t worry about me in that regard - I’m getting through it. All of it. It just looks a WHOLE lot different than I thought it would…

How’s you? Unload your truths and distract me please. I know I’m not alone in my adulting struggles and regrets.

“Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight.” - Bruce Cockburn / I’ve always obsessed over the BNL version of the song. Both Canadian. Both awesome. Both versions are part of the soundtrack of my life 🤟🍁

Please note I am not currently taking new client work but I look forward to connecting, supporting and inspiring each other #righthererightnow #onedayatatime #ascend

I wanted to take care of my family and my home. I wanted my Universe to revolve around our household and those we care about. I wanted to wear an apron and fill my day with domestic duties that kept my family safe and happy. I wanted to be a good wife. I wanted to be a great mother.

It wasn’t as simple or as easy as I thought, but is it ever?

I worked full-time and contributed financially 50/50 to all things including our deposit and purchasing our home, mortgage, groceries and bill payments. After two miscarriages, boy number 1 arrived and my world absolutely revolved around him. When my maternity leave benefits ran out, and I was no longer able to contribute 50% financially, I felt a very stressful and heavy shift.

He would tell me that I didn’t have to work, because he made enough to ‘take care of us’. We did have a joint account up until that point, that the mortgage and bills would come out of after I tallied them and sent him an excel summary, that we then split equally. Me not working meant me not having money. ANY money. The joint account would sit empty and without any deposits unless I specifically asked for funds for the bills, and even then I would be met with sarcastic and passive aggressive statements like, “wow, you’re bathing the kids too often” or “we need to stop feeding the kids” which at the time I know was meant to be funny, but it wasn’t. I didn’t like asking for money and I shouldn’t have had to. I wasn’t asking for money for my nails or my hair, I was tallying things like I always did, and then feeling like I had to grovel a little or explain things I shouldn’t have to (why the bill is so high), before he would send me the exact amount via etransfer, for which I was always very grateful and relieved. I loved my husband. I always respected and appreciated how hard he worked, but I never felt like an equal or a partner, after I became a mom.

I didn’t know then about Financial Control. I didn’t know it existed. I was 47 years old when I finally came to understand and embrace the fact that it IS a form of abuse.

Motherhood is all about sacrifice, and becoming parents is not exactly a cake walk for the marriage. He had opinions on a lot of things that I wasn’t expecting or prepared for, like when he started to frown on me breastfeeding at 6 months because ‘he’s getting to big for that’. It hurt my heart to explain to him that it was not as much about feeding the baby, as it was about connecting and nurturing and hitting reset in our routine. In hindsight, there were a lot of things I should have addressed in the moment, but I didn’t know how, and I didn’t know I wasn’t wrong.

I was overwhelmed and confused by the disparity in our relationship where money and freedom were concerned. When I was 7 months pregnant with our second boy, and our first was not even 2 years old, he bought himself a motorcycle. It wasn’t discussed or agreed upon. I never rode it. I was never invited. There are many other examples like this I could give where he regularly made completely arbitrary decisions and my only choice at the time was to choke on it. Someone who struggles with her own self-worth is not going to stand up for herself where money is concerned, and without even a conversation about it, I simply came to the conclusion that I wasn’t worthy of ‘his’ money. I still loved him. I still wanted our life. I still had faith and hope that I could achieve some kind of independence and make my own equality in the marriage. I hustled AVON hard and did better than most sales reps, so I could put gas in my truck and take my boys in indoor playgrounds and swimming lessons. I made a life for my boys and I without having to ask for permission or money.

More to come… Tell me if any of this resonates with you please? I know I’m not alone.

I need some quiet.

I need some time for myself right now.

The beauty of my business has always been that I could drop everything when my babies needed me. They are young men now and don’t need me like they used to. I am working on not being needed. I have always been very grateful and proud of the money I made while staying home with my boys and being involved at their school as much as I was. Life looks very different now. Divorce is complicated and ugly. So is the truth.

My hope and intention is to write more. I feel drained almost every time I scroll on social media. More substack. Less “social” 🙄 More outside. Less screentime. More listening to the Universe and leading with my heart.

#ASCENDSERVICES will be back online and #greaterthanever (much like me) in the not-so-far future.

Much love,

Meave

So, I make a(nother) coffee, I embrace the not-so-great background music, and I tackle all the things that are still outstanding.

I make lists. I make reminders in my calendar. I write things down. I cross them off. I tear sheets of paper in half or even into quarters sometimes when I’m finished with them because it satisfies me.

It feels sometimes like we aren’t getting anything done. Aren’t getting anywhere. Should be doing something else (more productive/fruitful). The truth is though, we are where we are meant to be and doing what we are meant to be doing, or we wouldn’t be doing it…

It might take a while to figure out what/why you need/want change, but ultimately, what we think about, tell ourselves, focus on, listen to, dream of and do is what defines and creates our reality, every single day.

There’s also so much that we can’t control. For years I let things control me.

I am now in control of me. I am now responsible for me. I am now in charge of me. I now MAKE CHOICES because I’m not afraid of growth. I’m not afraid of discomfort.

Progress doesn’t always come easily or quickly or visibly. One day at a time…

“No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently.”

―Agnes De Mille

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